Fake Press Conferences Concerning Texas Football: Oct. 27, 2014

Texas couldn’t keep pace with Kansas State Saturday, losing 23-0. K-State controlled the ball and the clock for the entire game and received a few handouts from a Texas offense that struggled to put together anything resembling a decent drive.

The Longhorns defense got to KSU QB Jake Waters early, limiting him to only seven attempts rushing, but it wasn’t enough to keep Texas in the game. Kansas State dominated every other aspect for the full 60 minutes.

“You don’t ever want to be shut out,” head coach Charlie Strong said after the game concluded on Saturday. “You want to score some points. We thought had the game plan; just go execute the game plan.”

Knowing that football coaches and players are often extremely guarded about their thoughts in post-game interviews, we’ve decided to improvise a little. Here’s a transcript of what coach Strong would’ve said if he was being honest.

Press: What would your overall assessment of Saturday’s game be?

Strong: Well, I think anyone with functioning eyes and bowels could tell you this was the most painfully boring 60 minutes of toilet-football I’ve ever seen. You’d have better luck staying awake watching the World Series of Poker on mute in an opium den than making it through whatever mess that was on Saturday.

Press: Coach, how do you think Tyrone Swoopes played, against Kansas State?

Strong: (Strong considers pulling a Bud Dwyer, thinks about his contract, and reconsiders.)

We need to get this kid a protractor and a TI-83 calculator so that he can figure out what angles are instead of throwing line drives to where his receivers’ hands used to be. Tyrone throws about as good of a touch pass as an Airsoft rifle, so now that we’ve mastered the “don’t fumble at the 1 yard-line” portion of the playbook I think we can move on to learning how to throw a pass that can get more than 7 feet off the ground.

Press: Coach, how are your Longhorns positioned going down the stretch?

Strong: Well, we’ve got teams on the schedule from Lubbock, Morgantown, and Stillwater coming up, so I guess there’s a chance that at least one of those towns will be taken over in a recall election by a drunk raccoon, thereby disbanding all human football teams. In that respect I guess you could say things are looking okay.

Press: Are you regretting your decision to leave Louisville and come to Austin yet?

Strong: They say 140 people move to Austin every day, so you’d figure at least a handful of them have to know how to play offensive line right? Next year I’m changing my five core values to RT, RG, C, LG, and LT.

No, I don’t regret moving to Austin, but I wish I had at least spent a little more time reading the UT Football Coach reviews on Glassdoor.com before committing. Thank you, I’m now going to go take a long walk off a short cliff. See y’all next week for Texas Tech.