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The Football Prophecies

NFL week two

By Russ Espinoza, 5:38PM, Fri. Sep. 14, 2012

The Football Prophecies

The Football Prophecies foretell the outcomes of each week’s slate of NFL games. Pigskin prophet, Russ Espinoza, acquired his clairvoyance at age 9 when he was conked on the head by an errant John Elway pass at Mile High Stadium in 1992.

He’s marveled friends and relations and played Vegas like a cheap fiddle with his otherworldly football foresight ever since. The prophet is pleased to share his gift with The Austin Chronicle.

Tampa Bay at NYG: Giants coach Tom Coughlin, a renowned disciplinarian, remains so incensed by his team’s opening loss to Dallas that he makes an example of his star quarterback, Eli Manning: by drugging his food and placing his throwing hand in a bowl of hot water.

Prophecy: New York Giants

Oakland at Miami: Attendance shortfalls at Dolphins home games prompted a recent Miami-Herald survey, asking: “What are you doing on a typical NFL Sunday, Miami?” 24.9% replied: “At the beach.” 17.1% reported: “Family time.” 36.4% answered: “Narcotics, etc.” And 21.6% weighed in with: “Cuban stuff.”

Prophecy: Miami

Houston at Jacksonville: The Texans blight Jacksonville’s home opener in front of 55,000 fans, 112 alligators, 89 long-tailed weasels, six eastern spotted skunks, a colony of Jamaican fruit bats, and a pair of underwear on a stick.

Prophecy: Houston

Browns at Bengals: For winning the Battle of Ohio, Bengals Coach Marvin Lewis greets Ohio Lieutenant Governor Mary Taylor at midfield and receives a paisley bandana, a homemade ashtray, and a spare tire from the good people at Michelin.

Prophecy: Cincinnati

Kansas City at Buffalo: Quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick fires up Bills Nation during pregame introductions by taking the field slathered in wing-sauce war paint and donning a necklace of chicken bones.

Prophecy: Kansas City

Baltimore at Philadelphia: The Eagles’ 24-10 home loss to Baltimore forces Coach Andy Reid to concede during postgame remarks that his team “brought a cheesesteak to a crab cake fight.”

Prophecy: Baltimore

New Orleans at Carolina: An internal memorandum from Saints interim Head Coach Joe Vitt to Defensive Coordinator Steve Spagnuolo will surface and read: “Because of Bountygate, the league prohibits us from using terms like ‘hospitalize,’ ‘murder’ and ‘holocaust’ to motivate our guys … but the men really lap it up, so what the hell.”

Prophecy: Carolina

Cardinals at Patriots: A private feud between Fox broadcasters Dick Stockton and John Lynch involving a woman emerges in snippets during Sunday’s play-by-play. After a deft verbal illustration of a 36-yard Brady to Welker strike, a vehement Stockton trails off with “… your love is a sham, John. She hates your touch, and your mendacity most of all.”

Lynch, for his part, hisses, “… there are things between my wife and I that you’ll never know, things that neither of us can ever forget,” after commending fullback Danny Woodhead for buying Brady time by picking up the corner blitz.

Prophecy: New England

Vikings at Colts: Proving that greed has no ceiling, the already booming concession apparatus at Lucas Oil Field prompts Colts management to institute a “Minimum 300 Pound” requirement to enter the stadium.

Prophecy: Vikings

Washington at St. Louis: The Guinness Book of World Records will corroborate Sunday’s Edward Jones Dome crowd as “The Largest Assemblage of Crackheads to Attend a Professional Sporting Event.”

Prophecy: Washington

Cowboys at Seahawks: A Fox cutaway into Jerry Jones’ luxury box steals another candid moment: The billionaire is seen languidly swirling a goblet runneth over with Bordeaux while a virgin nymph tickles the small of his back with a giant ostrich feather.

Prophecy: Cowboys

New York Jets at Pittsburgh: Heinz Field has a good crowd on its hands until some people from West Virginia show up.

Prophecy: Pittsburgh

Tennessee at San Diego: The Titans’ shuttle to Qualcomm Stadium will be jack-knifed by an enormous roving fish taco at the intersection of Friars and Mission Valley.

Prophecy: San Diego

Detroit at San Francisco: Defensive tackle Sammie Hill sends his Lions teammates into hysterics by appearing at Saturday night’s team meeting with a flower in his hair. Hill imperils his career the next day by skipping the team’s game against the 49ers to elope with a man named Stew Rutherford.

Prophecy: San Francisco

Denver at Atlanta: Broncos wide-out Eric Decker is carted off the field after a Peyton Manning dart explodes clear through his chest. Decker negotiates an exchange of Broncos memorabilia with the fan that caught his still-beating heart.

Prophecy: Denver

Overall Record to Date: 10-6.

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