Newton Is Next Victim of Longhorns’ 'Huge Expectations'

Tré Newton, welcome to the show that beats a good man down. I’m talking Huge Expectations! You’re our next contestant. Don’t screw it up! Sorry, Cody Johnson. A four-yard loss at the one-yard line? Take a seat with your gimpy ankle on the flaming bench there next to Fozzy “Bear” Whittaker as Texas continues its search for a running game!

Against the Rice Owls in a puny 34-17 win, Tré, you scored three touchdowns and ran for 61 yards on 18 carries. Can you do it again? Cody, your 59 yards on 15 carries gets you a trip to backup purgatory! Fozzy? Your 51 yards on nine carries guarantees you a prime spot on next week’s show. (FYI: The running game may be preempted next week so that we can bring you an aerial slugfest against Texas Tech.)

Last week’s winner/loser in Huge Expectations is back again to join us as the Texas Longhorns take on the Cowboys of Wyoming this Saturday. Say hello to Garrett Gilbert who last week didn’t throw an interception, failed to fumble the ball, or get sacked. But he still sucked by completing 14 of 23 passes for a measly 172 yards. What a sad, sad performance by a guy who has never started a college football game. He didn’t win a Heisman or walk on water. But there’s always hope this week in the Texas home opener!

Who did meet our Huge Expectations? How about linebacker Keenan Robinson who returned a fumble 10 yards for a touchdown, intercepted a pass, sacked the QB and smashed the Owls for six tackles to claim Big 12 co-defensive player of the week honors. Did I say co-winner? Try harder this week, Keenan! Your defensive superstar brethren Kheesten Randall (three tackles) and Sam Acho (four tackles) are watching. Don’t mess up.

Our big defensive loser this week, Aaron Williams, earns a trip into the trough of maggot stew for fumbling a punt return to set up Rice to score more slop points and for dropping a sure interception that would have led to a touchdown. Just slosh over there next to Chykie Brown who dropped his own sure TD interception. We expected so much more from you both!

Kicker Justin Tucker, you missed two field goals! Take a seat. And make lots of room for our pathetic offensive line! But that’s all the time we have for this week as we prepare for a 52-3 atom bomb to drop on Wyoming.

Be sure and watch our sister station for Better Than Expected! That’s the show where the players we’ve grown to hate grow up a bit. Last week’s winner was wide receiver Malcolm Williams, who looked solid against Rice with four catches for 77 yards. Marquise Goodwin had four snappy snags for 50 yards. John Chiles, as a former quarterback, you looked very speedy with one measly catch for 31 spectacular yards! Perhaps one of you clowns can score a touchdown this week. Oops, wrong show …

Vs. Wyoming: Sat., Sept. 11, 6pm. Darrell K. Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium, 405 E. 23rd.