Pwned, or Who Pwns the Boston Red Sox

Driving home to San Marcos from work Sunday night, I was listening to the Red Sox and Rangers on the radio. Curt Schilling was coming off a deplorable start against Kansas City on opening day, which had already set off a regionwide suicide watch in New England. It was already looking bad in the first inning when he gave up a solo home run to Frank Catalanotto. If Schilling doesn't get through this game, I don't want to be around to see the carnage. Not wanting to be "the ass" that was the cause du jour for the Kyle Emergency Services to shut down I-35 at 7:30pm, I decided against driving into the Kyle Parkway bridge abutment. I began to peruse my memory of the sharp and blunt objects lying around my house with which I could use to end my impending misery. There was the rake in the front yard, the fractured Louisville Slugger that once belonged to Rick Burleson, or if I really wanted to get creative, I could just go jogging where I would be eaten by the three dozen dogs my neighbor keeps handy in case he is tapped to run the Iditarod in 2008.

Wait a minute now, Catalanotto always beats up the Red Sox. In 2005 Catalanotto hit .327 with two home runs and 12 RBIs against the Red Sox. Not exactly stunning numbers, but his offensive drubbing of the Sox always seemed to be right when we least needed it. Last year was an off year for Catalanotto, driving in only four runs. He still managed to hit .300 in 60 at bats. In 2003 he hit nearly .400 against the Sox. I have to admit, I am somewhat elated that he is back in Texas and out of the America League East. Catalanotto hates us. I hate Catalanotto.

It is well documented that John Henry owns the Red Sox, but who Pwns them? (Pwn: v. from the l33t to own. To be beholden of. To frag incessantly.) Aside from the season killing Bucky Dent and Aaron Boone, who would have been barely noticed except that everyone was watching when they achieved their status, the five biggest Sox plate pests of the last five years would be Jeter, Alfonso Soriano, Frank Catalanato, Vernon Wells, and Jorge Posada. While A-Rod has certainly been potent, he really never seemed to have ever mattered all that much. He always struck out when we needed him to and let the ball roll through his legs at precisely the perfect moments. Not a year goes by when I don't thank God the Yankees got him instead of the Red Sox. I am well aware of what he has accomplished this year. This could be his year to be the flea in the tea, who cares? The Yankees still won't make the playoffs with that rotation.

In an attempt to not bore the crap out of you with anymore stats, I'll just put out the top five Red Sox-killing pitchers in no particular order, so it won't go to their heads (ESPN.com has the best splits for those of you easily hypnotized by numbers). Ted Lilly, Scott Kazmir, Randy Johnson, Gustavo Chacin, and Mike Mussina over the last five years have dominated the Red Sox nearly every time they faced them. In 2005 Randy Johnson went 5-0. Andy Pettite and Roy Halladay get honorable mentions. I already miss having Pettite on the Astros where I could root for him. The night before last it was Felix Hernandez who put on a clinic that made the Sox hitters look like they were trying to kill moths with shovels. If you caught the Matsuzaka vs. Hernandez game you may have just seen the Pedro vs. Clemens of the future.