News Ticker: November 1

All the news that's fit to blog

News Ticker: November 1
photo by Jana Birchum

Joel Osteen talks dirty, Nolan Ryan considers another base run, and Rick Perry delivers a requiem for a dream. Arousal is on the News Ticker.

• While the rest of the world was trick-or-treating last night, the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals was busy handing out poisoned apples.

• In reporting the rescue efforts following the Halloween flood, the AP called Central Texas the "midsection" of the state. We suppose that's better than being called the groin, as long as Texas stays away from crop tops.

• For those wanting to help in the relief efforts, Austin ISD has a handy guide.

• If Atty. Gen. Greg Abbott can be believed, the economy, much like Shep Smith's makeup, is cracking.

• Ag commissioner candidate Tommy Merritt will be sponsoring a NASCAR entry this weekend at the Texas Motor Speedway. That's sure to keep the competitor's wheels turning. Still, some folks think he's moving too fast.

• Baseball great Nolan Ryan may also be planning a run for ag commissioner too. It's like he's trying to be the king of his own umpire.

• Moving on from puns, Rep. Allen Fletcher is actively campaigning to unseat his colleague, Rep. J.D. Sheffield. Things are going to get really awkward if they ever play Mancala.

• Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel has ordered that the National Guard follow federal policy regarding same-sex families. That means Fort Hood will have to stop being a rebel. No one really liked Dylan on 90210 anyway.

• For the third year, the Lower Colorado River Authority is recommending that rice farmers get none of that sweet, sweet reservoir water. They can always pour dead champagne on their crops. It will be simply luxurious.

Joel Osteen walks into a bar

400 barrels of oil have contaminated a private pond and two reservoirs in Smithville. Turns out oil, like hope, floats.

• In other crude news, scientists are divining the end of the fracking boom.

• Someone stop the Austin Police Department before they discover Instagram filters.

• Lastly, Gov. Rick Perry shares some inspiration heading into the weekend. Also, apparently conservative and progressive states are having some sort of bowl game. Maybe it's on ESPN2.

For more, check out our War on Women's Health page.

READ MORE
More News
The AggreGAYtor: June 1
The AggreGAYtor
What happened today in gay? Here’s your QILTBAG recap of queer news.

David Estlund, June 1, 2015

The AggreGAYtor: May 29
The AggreGAYtor
What happened today in gay? Here’s your QILTBAG recap of queer news.

David Estlund, May 29, 2015

More by Brandon Watson
The ABCs of ACL Eats
The ABCs of ACL Eats
Snacking at the fest is elementary

Sept. 30, 2016

The Take-Out: Responsibility in Food Writing
The Take-Out: Responsibility in Food Writing
How to talk more respectfully about global cuisine

Sept. 30, 2016

KEYWORDS FOR THIS POST

News, Rick Perry, abortion rights, Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals, Greg Abbott, Allen Fletcher, Austin Halloween flood, Austin ISD, Austin Police Department, J.D. Sheffield, Joel Osteen, NOlan Ryan, Chuck Hagel, LGBT Rights, National Guard, Tommy Merritt

MORE IN THE ARCHIVES
NEWSLETTERS
AC Daily, Events and Promotions, Luvdoc Answers

Breaking news, recommended events, and more

Official Chronicle events, promotions, and giveaways

All questions answered (satisfaction not guaranteed)