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News Ticker: August 7

All the news that's fit to blog

By Brandon Watson, 5:45PM, Wed. Aug. 7, 2013

News Ticker: August 7

Rick Perry goes to a Red Apple Sale, Kathleen Sebelius keeps it weird, and Wendy Davis fuels speculation. Pressure is on the News Ticker.

• Frostbitten chicken cutlet Rep. Dan Branch wants to defend the sovereignty of "no homo."

• Speaking of Branch, his attorney general candidacy has received the endorsement of 53 House Republicans. However, he did not received the coveted endorsement of Rep. Jodie Laubenberg, who mostly thinks that branches just get in the way of apples.

• That honor went to challenger Sen. Ken Paxton, whose list includes an all-star roster of Texas' most holy rolling lawmakers – including Reps. Bill Zedler, Jeff Leach, and that alien who impregnated Sigourney Weaver.

• According to new information from a Freedom of Information Act request, Gov. Rick Perry was pressured to veto the Texas Lilly Ledbetter Act by Macy's and other retailers. Insiders say he was on the fence at first, until the gaffe-prone Perry realized his special affinity to Jessica Simpson.

• Indeed last Saturday, Perry confused Louisiana with Florida at a RedState conference. He was wearing dark frames during the event, perhaps convinced glasses can turn a Daphne into a Velma.

• If you believe political chatter, Sen. Wendy Davis has no chance of winning a statewide race. Unless she does, in which case she probably doesn't. All agree that she'scertainly something.

• Fox News rabble-rouser Erick Erickson recently made waves by calling Davis an "abortion Barbie." Now, now, we shouldn't doubt his authority. Who better to judge Barbies than those who share certain traits with Ken.

• Repressed memory Mitt Romney has awoken from his political slumber to criticize Sen. Ted Cruz's showcase shutdown.

• Mayor Lee Leffingwell and Travis County Judge Sam Biscoe will discuss Obamacare with Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius tomorrow. In preparation, Sen. Cruz has been placing detour signs throughout the city. Wascally wabbit.

• Judging by its latest promo, KVUE has apparently taken the blue pill.

Allstate Insurance number crunching shows August 10th as the most popular date for Texas burglaries. Maybe that's why they call them "hot" goods.

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