News Ticker: June 18

Dannel Malloy disses Texas, Sheryl Cole plays matchmaker, and Michael Burgess indulges in weird science. Scratched heads are on the News Ticker.

• The Austin Police Department believes that this morning's two bank robberies may be connected. Always eager to capitalize on the latest Austin trend, the New York Times is already working on a long think piece to be accompanied by a street style section devoted to summer balaclavas.

• Mayor Pro Tem Sheryl Cole and CM Chris Riley are standing behind a resolution to unite East and West Austin. The geographical pair have been separated after West called one of East's Instagrams "indulgent."

• The Texas Civil Rights Project has filed a suit against the Williamson County Commissioners Court for asking a Precinct Three Constable applicant political and religious questions. The TCRP was also disappointed to find out that Wilco declined asking him his opinion on the Game of Thrones "Red Wedding" episode.

• State Rep. Drew Darby predicts that Texas could soon see a "full-blown crisis" in road funding. The bleak future will look something like the Road Warrior series, although First Lady Anita Perry is reportedly considering upholstering the Thunderdome.

• Perhaps hearing the news early, Sen. Kirk Watson has already started preparations.

• After months of passive "winking" on OKCupid, Gov. Rick Perry has finally worked up enough courage to ask Connecticut gun companies on a date. We just hope he doesn't blow it this time by texting them in the morning.

• Connecticut Gov. Dannel Malloy was quick to remind Perry that some potential inamoratas are out of his league.

• In the wake of Perry's veto-palooza, Rep. Sylvester Turner has filed a bill seeking to re-fund the Public Integrity Unit. The PIU cuts also prompted a rare Rosemary Lehmberg public appearance.

• Speaking in favor of Congress' latest fetal pain bill, Rep. Mike Burgess said he has personally seen 15-week old male fetuses masturbate. Surprisingly, some social conservatives withdrew their support for the bill, explaining that they didn't realize babies were such degenerates.

• For Sen. John Cornyn, the road to fiscal conservatism is paved with multiple pensions.

• Sensing a publicity opportunity in yesterday's Supreme Court decision to strike down Arizona's proof-of-citizenship voter registration requirement, Sen. Ted Cruz tacked on an amendment to the Senate immigration bill seeking to align federal law with Arizona's standards. Dodging criticism, the hard-lined conservative then added that he isn't even sure that he should have the right to vote.