The AggreGAYtor: January 10

Kelly Clarkson beats them off with a stick, Peter LaBarbera beats a dead horse, and Nate Silver beats around the bush. Nobody can hurt today’s AggreGAYtor without its permission.

• Your imaginary husband President Obama continues his January streak of doing things that make you wonder if you should be filing papers in imaginary divorce court. In an inaugural twofer, Obama’s benediction will be delivered by homophobic pastor (and apparent Dr. Evil henchman) Louie Giglio.

• Oh, but wait, all ye conclusion jumpers. The inaugural poet will be gay Latino Richard Blanco. For balance. As everyone knows, gays are secular and straights are religious and the Obama administration is all about yinning our yang.

• The Roanoke Athletic Club has decided to change its policies to recognize LGBT families. I’m sure that the related lawsuit had absolutely nothing to do with the eureka moment at all.

• The Marines have advised all spouse’s clubs meeting on bases that they must accept same-sex couples. Semper finally.

• The fine folks in Utah County don’t cotton to fancy-pants conservative bloggers who support marriage equality.

• Maybe they ought to invite good ole Oregon Judge Gary Tabor for a jamboree. He’ll give those yellow-bellied, hornswogglin’, marriage-ruinin’ queers the what-for. Yes, indeedy.

• Baltimore police will not be filing hate charges in the Christmas bashing of Kenneth Shaw.

• Faith in America is accusing YouTube of censoring its criticism of gay-exorcism performing church Word of Faith Fellowship.

• Balding demagogue Peter LaBarbera’s pro tips for “battling the homosexual agenda” are certainly terrific; but for extra oomph, try this simple recipe from reader Lois M. in Topeka: In a large bowl, mix 2 cups water, 1/2 cup white vinegar, 1/4 cup rubbing alcohol, and 1 to 2 drops of orange essential oil. Spray on homosexual, rubbing vertically on one side and horizontally on the other. Fresh heterosexuality, without the harsh abrasives!

• NOM’s Jennifer Roback Morse thinks all the sperm being sold on Craigslist is criminal. Messy.

• Broward County is no longer Florida's hate crime hot spot. Judging by the accompanying photo, this fact seems to have startled Police Captain Richard Wierzbicki.

• All that Hagel-hating seems to have invigorated the Log Cabin Republicans. They are just slinging Power Point slides all over the place.

• If you have ever longed to ask Nate Silver how he keeps his youthful glow, too bad. That ship has sailed, toots.

• A Tennessee same-sex couple has been denied a marriage license in Tennessee, where same-sex marriage is banned. I wonder if they were trying to make a point. We’ll never know.

• Oregon’s Laura Calvo has become the first transgender woman elected to the Democratic National Committee. Your AggreGAYtor plans to celebrate with a tulip glass of refreshing Égalité sparkling wine.

• I know ad hominem attacks are generally poo-pooed at the debate club, but I think you'll objectively agree that Rush Limbaugh is blood-gorged tick.

• Taiwan’s envoy to the U.S., King Pu-tsung explains that he could definitely quit President Ma Ying-jeou.

• According to recent analysis, more Singaporeans associate gay folk with puppies and sunflowers now than they did in 2005. 65% percent associate us with boogers, but progress is a long road.

• I’m not sure what everyone is talking about. I see no parallels between the recent Chick-fil-A kerfuffle and the new X-Force plot line at all. Keep grasping at straws, kiddos.

• After November’s queerlectionpaloozathon, us alphabetians are drunk on power. And the crisp citrus notes of Égalité sparkling wine.

• … and now for a feminist perspective on Funny or Die’s “Gay Men Will Marry Your Girlfriends.”

• Kelly Clarkson’s can afford to be choosy with her lesbian fans.

• Dang, swag!

• I’m going to be soooo pissed if “How to Survive a Plague” does not win the Oscar for best documentary. If anyone else wins, I'm sure I'll do a spit take with a mouthful of the playful effervescence of Égalité sparkling wine. That's Égalité: the pause that refreshes.

• And super pissed if it doesn’t win the Gay and Lesbian Entertainment Critic’s Awards. An AggreGAYtor scorned …

• Unless our immaculate Mary Gonzalez has somehow been fastened with Benjamin Buttons, I think the El Paso Times might have printed the wrong photo.

• PFLAG Austin has added a third meeting to its schedule for suburb dwellers not wanting to fight traffic. They are in the process of updating their website, but meetings will begin on January 28 at 6:45 in Georgetown’s Independent Bank.