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Daniel's Tops & Bottoms

Tuesday News Gay guy Daniel runs down 2011 for you

By Daniel Villareal, 8:57AM, Mon. Jan. 9, 2012

Daniel's Tops & Bottoms
Creative Commons image courtesy of K Kendall

From wishes to bottoms to buckets, here are my 2011 picks.

TOP 10 PREDICTIONS (WISHES) FOR 2012

1) A religious right group will make a surprisingly great "It Gets Better" video convincing LGBT kids to go to ex-gay therapy

2) Obama will get re-elected, no problem… the GOP will lament its continued implosion.

3) A major LGBT media outlet will controversially go mainstream by dropping its gay label and marketing to a wider (ie. straight) audience

4) An openly gay politician will be outed as a closet heterosexual complete with wife, a milk addiction, argyle furnishings, and a son named Chesterfield.

5) Corporate brands will open profiles on LGBT personal sites touting seductive characteristics such as "extra peanutty-ness" and "dual piston action."

6) Disney will make conservatives heads explode across the world by presenting (gasp!) a gay character.

7) The first athlete in a major American pro-sports team will come out to the adoration of gay media and LGBT athletes everywhere.

8) Someone will create a good HIV-prevention campaign that acknowledges the disease no longer being a death sentence while stressing the need for prevention.

9) California haters will find themselves humiliated when their attempts to erase LGBT people from public school history curriculum fails.

10) Drag kings and FTM chic will make a comeback in a big way.

BOTTOM 10 WAYS I KNEW I WAS AGING IN 2011

1) My hairline gradually receded into my father's

2) One hit of weed made The A-List: Dallas "too hard to watch"

3) A newfound enthusiasm for fiber

4) A mid-life crisis-esque desire for abdominal muscles

5) An inexplicable preference for naps over sex

6) Feeling aghast that my nephews have never heard of Deee-Lite

7) My best hookup pics no longer even closely resemble my actual torso

8) A silver chest hair. When I get a silver pube, I'm throwing myself a wake.

9) Throwing away a bunch of tight T-shirts with phrases like "Bottoms Up!", "My Ex-Boyfriend Turned Me Gay," and "Life Is More Than Just 7 Inches Long"

10) Getting turned on by the possibility of sharing a premium optical care plan with my boyfriend

DANIEL'S TOP 10 GAY BUCKET LIST ITEMS

1) Sit on my hand until it falls asleep and then jerk off with it so it feels like another person giving me a handjob

2) Spend a day in public as the opposite gender.

3) Watch grizzly bears doing it in their natural habitat of Provincetown.

4) Perform a kickass burlesque number (preferably to a Roisin Murphy's "Off and On").

5) Have my old Grindr or Manhunt pics used in an art exhibition protested by several local "family" groups.

6) See Sir Elton John perform live – either onstage or in the Mexican pastries aisle at the Mrs. Baird's wholesale store.

7) Name a designer drug beloved by millions.

8) Write, direct, and star in an unauthorized autobiography playing an actor posing as myself.

9) Throw a classy Roman orgy complete with moist towelettes, androgynous concubines, and an all-you-can-eat Nacho Bar.

10) Wrestle an DILFy elected official at an LGBT charity event and win using the "Pain-bow" – later claim that he/she cheated.

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