Ask the Best Straight Girlfriend

Every straight girl has a fantasy. It centers around a man with deep soulful eyes. He is funny, he is kind, he will cheerfully accompany you to shop for a new pair of shoes. He is your best, gay friend.

I used to long to have my very own gay. For a long time I could never meet the right man. I lamented over the lack of available gay guys to my girlfriends.

"All the good ones are taken," they would nod, because women don't share their gays willingly. You have never seen a catfight over a man get more vicious than when girls are fighting over who is a gay guy's best friend.

It only got worse after Will & Grace came out Eventually, I found true love with a sporty, young tennis player named Matt. He wasn't perfect (he isn't true to stereotype… hates shopping) but he was, I thought, the funniest person alive. And we had that chemistry – the kind of connection that sparked in the first five minutes, promising to last a lifetime.

Our fairytale story had a tragic twist: Matt moved to Japan to teach English three years ago. Because I am loyal and true, I will not look for another best gay guy friend, but the hole in my life is there, and I miss him. We talk on the phone, but it isn't the same as before – lying on the couch, my feet over his, dishing about last night's date ("His dick curved around! I swear it twisted like a pig's tail!") drinking Bloody Marys while we watched American Idol.

Since Matt has gone off to the Orient to have his own adventure, I offer myself up to you, Austin, to be your BSG – Best Straight Girlfriend. Send me your questions about sex, dating, and 'Why do Straight People do that?' Chances are, if I didn't actually have the experience in question before I became blissfully wedded, one of my slutty girlfriends did – although I can't promise I can answer every question about the behavior of the straights. God knows they confuse me most of the time.