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Up Too Early

Google Streetview fashion critique from West 38th Street

By LuvDoc, 10:12AM, Tue. Jul. 31, 2012

Take a look at this woman's shoulder bag and try to pretend that you don’t want to be a foot soldier in the War on Drugs.
Take a look at this woman's shoulder bag and try to pretend that you don’t want to be a foot soldier in the War on Drugs.

Let’s not mince words: Coffee is a drug – just like crack. Sure, a crackhead might be out on the streets in the early morning shuffling around in a pair of dirty house slippers looking desperately for … just a tiny rock to get her bump on, but apparently this woman had the caffeine DTs so bad that she ran out of her house wearing that kountry kwilted shoulder bag.

Either that or she lifted it in a caffeine haze from some poor, nursing mother at the Starbucks. If it’s the latter, at least she’s got plenty of cream for her coffee as long as she doesn’t shake the baby bottles too vigorously.

And really, what was a nursing mother doing in a Starbuck’s anyway? Furthering the vicious cycle of addiction that plagues middle class American families? Listening to shitty lite rock from the mix CDs available for sale next to the register? After a few hundred milligrams of liquid caffeine even Celine Dion rocks like Metallica … at least in the beehive of your drug amped mind.

Wouldn’t it be more honest if Starbuck’s just quit fucking around and started dealing cocaine? Where’s the FDA on that deal? Or how about meth? How many people would come in for a Vente if their barrrista had rotten teeth and scabby arms? That shit would be an even better deterrent than the Surgeon General’s warning that says, “Smoking May Result in Fetal Injury.”

“But,” you say, “Caffeine is a harmless drug that keeps you alert and enhances your memory and concentration.” News flash Sparky: Caffeine is a dopamine reabsorption inhibitor, just like heroin and cocaine, so don’t be getting all high an mighty about how you get your fix. The coffee cup in this lady’s hand is no better than a crack pipe made out of a toilet paper roll and tin foil. And harmless? Take another look at that shoulder bag and try to pretend that you don’t want to be a foot soldier in the War on Drugs.

LuvDoc Fashion Index: 8.5 (except for that bead necklace and her frosted streaks, this woman is put together quite nicely ... and she’s a junky, so you know she will do just about anything for a fix)

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