Up Too Early

Google Streetview fashion critique from South Lamar.

Just looking at that yellow bag is about to give me a full-on epileptic fit.
Just looking at that yellow bag is about to give me a full-on epileptic fit.

This man’s look is nearly perfect. Nothing much to criticize here fashion-wise. He is, however, jaywalking on South Lamar, which statistically is about as risky as jumping Snake River Canyon in a rocket car.

Even worse, he’s carrying a monstrously ugly banana yellow polyester tote bag. You would think that might make him more visible to oncoming traffic. It does, but just looking at that thing is about to give me a full-on epileptic fit. Good thing I’m not behind the wheel of a monster truck.

He also seems to be carrying a cell phone. If it doesn’t get shattered along with his cranium, it will help officials identify his remains. Smart move Fonzie. The only thing worse than a bloody pile of meat in the middle of the road is a bloody pile of meat in the middle of the road with no next-of-kin. Total waste of a snow shovel.

This guy is even further imperiled by the fact that he’s got a blowout in his left Dansko. If he has to dodge a Dodge, that’s going to be a serious handicap. The middle of South Lamar is no place to go club footing along like Igor. Of course, he’s smart not to take his eyes off the oncoming traffic. It’s a fairly safe bet that about 30% of them are either texting or updating their Facebook status – at least the ones who aren’t asleep at the wheel (by the way, I just had to pay Ray Benson fifty cents to use that term).

Luvdoc Fashion Index: 9.95 (.05 off because technically that yellow bag is an accessory)

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KEYWORDS FOR THIS POST

Snake River Canyon, Rocket Car, Fonzie, Snow Shovel, Dansko, Ray Benson

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