The Austin Chronicle

"Thou Spleeny Swag-Bellied Miscreant!"

By Wayne Alan Brenner, April 16, 2014, 12:05pm, Under the Covers

Mix and match the colorful invective, dear reader!

Toss up a type of adjectival Chex Mix connoting deep and steamy disrespect!

And do it like The Immortal Bard would, sorta.

A couple of Shakespeare buffs – Sarah Royal and Jillian Hofer – have conjured this clever way of generating extremely old-school insults for use when … ah, for whenever such things might be necessary. During a contentious dinner party? After a co-worker has failed to return your favorite office supply? When someone has, as in a country-western ballad, done you wrong? Anytime you might need to spit verbal poison into the ears of a scoundrel, basically.

What do you do if you're most often armed with only the esprit d'escalier, or perhaps prefer not to parlay the slings and arrows of more contemporary lingo toward your response? (After all, any fucking fuck can use the F-word, amirite?) But now, weaponized with this new book from Running Press, you can flip methodically or wildly through the convenient tripartite and coil-bound pages and behold what sequence of archaic adjective-adjective-noun presents itself for best use. Thus, at random:

Thou incestuous lumpish horn-beast!

Thou perfidious mammering jackanapes!

Thou bawdy fly-bitten nut-hook!

And so on in that manner.
In a mind-boggling myriad of possible combinations.

Note: You think we're not gonna take this nifty little volume with us, to potentially wield when we go to see Present Company's Much Ado About Nothing on the roof of Whole Foods Market or The Baron's Men's production of Romeo and Juliet at the Curtain Theatre sometime in the next few weekends?

Then you've got another think coming, thou gleeking feeble cullion.

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