The Luv Doc: Testing

Dear Luv Doc,

I got sick on the plane ride back from my vacation to Florida last week and felt really miserable when I got back to Austin. My boyfriend picked me up from the airport and then dropped me off quickly and I haven't seen him since. We have only talked on the phone. I know he really hates being sick and he is trying to avoid me so he doesn't catch whatever I have, but a part of me says he is being a selfish, insensitive dick. Should I tell that part of me to shut up?

– Sneezy

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I don't want you to take this the wrong way, Sneezy, but I quarantined your email for a couple of weeks just to make sure I didn't catch a virus. My guess is that you're probably feeling much better now and won't hold a grudge. See ... the thing is ... I have a really full calendar the next couple of weeks and don't have any windows for a raging flu – although admittedly I could stand to lose a few pounds. I am all swole up like a Christmas ham.

That, of course, doesn't mean that I don't have sympathy for your recent plight and your feelings of abandonment. That had to hurt. Everybody wants to believe that their significant other is willing to fall on their sword, so to speak, but when push comes to shove – or when you get off your flight from Zikaworld looking a little too sweaty – the wheat gets separated from the chaff. Jesus, that was a stone soup of metaphors, but what I am trying to get at is this: It sounds to me like your boyfriend didn't pass the test.

He probably didn't know he was taking a test, but here's the ugly secret about relationships that everyone wants to ignore: Every single second of your interaction with other human beings is a test. It might not be the GRE, the SAT, or even the STAAR (and shouldn't that be spelled correctly, acronym or not?) but it might be a pop quiz. Like it or not, you are always being graded – not by your words, but by your actions.

I mean ... shit. If my life were graded on words I think I would have a solid B+, but unfortunately, that is not the case. I would like to think I am pulling down a solid C- on the actions bit, but every day is a new day, right? There's my ego, and my apathy, and my sloth, and sometimes a frothy mix of intoxicants always dragging down my GPA. It's a struggle. At least I did one thing right. Shortly after I met my wife she got sick, and I was so enamored with her I decided to play through and brought her a bouquet and a box of Raisin Bran, and then we had a sweaty make-out session. Deal closed. Well, actually several years after that, but I scored well on my first test.

That said, you can't pass or fail someone on the basis of one test, but you can let them know their GPA is suffering and why. Tell your boyfriend how you feel and let him know he can still pull off an A if he works really hard.