Joking Around

Dear Luv Doc,

My BF is always joking around with me. He calls me a lesbian sometimes when I wear a baseball cap. He makes fun of the way I drive. He makes fun of how much ice cream I eat (because I love ice cream!), and he also makes fun of the fact that I have a big family. He always says if I don't like it I can tease him back, but usually I don't – except for last week when I Photoshopped him without a shirt hugging his best friend (without a shirt) and posted it on his Facebook feed. He totally lost it and yelled at me for like an hour and said it was disrespectful and not funny at all (it kinda was). Do you think I should apologize?

– SorryNotSorry

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OK, I am going to try to answer this question without repeatedly using the word "douche." The big D (not Dallas) has gotten a bad rap in recent years, and undeservedly so. After all, it's simply the French word for "shower," and they don't use it a lot. Here in America, we use it all the time. Our version is generally known as a device used for vaginal irrigation – a device whose usage has fallen seemingly in adverse proportion to its popularity as a slang term. Not only is the term itself enjoying a renaissance, the suffix accoutrements of vaginal irrigation have been thrust into the limelight as well. Chief among these are bag, nozzle, bucket, and, somewhat puzzlingly ... canoe. It would seem to me that if you need a canoe for any part of the vaginal irrigation process, you should probably consult a gynecologist. At the very least.

I have a good friend who likes to say (apropos of nothing and usually drunkenly and at the top of her lungs in an otherwise quiet gathering), "THE VAGINA IS A SELF-CLEANING ORGAN!" No one to my knowledge has ever challenged her on this assertion, and rightfully so. First, there is the real risk of her demoing her own self-cleaning vagina, and then there is the more obvious fact that pretty much all organs are self-cleaning. Knucks to the creator on that intelligent design scheme, eh? Nonetheless, whether halfway through a bottle of tequila or not, it bears repeating that, in the American sense at least, you have absolutely no need for a douche.

Let me repeat that again: You have absolutely no need for a douche. OK, goddamn it. I just repeated it twice. #columnfail. The point is, however, that after some intense analysis of the paragraph above, I have come to the inescapable conclusion that you need to kick this canoe to the curb, no apologies. He is up in your chili all the time and you drop one adorable picture of him and his bro on his FB feed and he loses it? RED LIGHT. Trust your instinct ... and if you don't trust your instinct, trust mine. Who wouldn't want a picture of themselves in a shirtless embrace with their best friend? A homophobic asshole, that's who. Give that canoe a push on down the stream.