The Luv Doc: Is Your Neighbor a Prostitute?

Dear Luv Doc,
I think my neighbor may be a prostitute. She moved into the apartment next door 6 months ago and ever since there have been men coming over day and night. They don’t make a lot of noise but sometimes I can tell that they are having sex. It usually doesn’t bother me because I don’t spend a lot of time in my apartment, but she keeps late hours and this is a nice complex. Should I tell the manager? I don’t know for sure that she is a prostitute, but if she isn’t, WTF?
- Earmuffs

I’ll tell you WTF Earmuffs: Sounds to me like your neighbor is enjoying her “unalienable rights” (set forth in the Declaration of Independence) to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” In her case that appears to be entertaining a variety of gentleman callers at all hours of the day and night. Bully for her! Unless you hear the sound of chain saws or the whinnies of horses, you probably don’t have anything to worry about. (OK, I will admit there are probably a few more aural scenarios that I failed to list that would also be cause for serious concern – like the anguished cries of baby seals, or the sound of a Pro-Drive outboard stuck in a mud bank – but really, if a scene gets that heavy, your average depraved lunatic will probably just blast some Mastodon through the stereo.)

I think in this case it’s best to not let your imagination run wild. Leave that to the professionals. Yes, your neighbor might appear to be a little slutty, but you really don’t know for sure, do you? Promiscuity may not be everyone’s bag, but then, neither is scrapbooking or bird watching or Sudoku. In fact, it is my suspicion that people who regularly play Sudoku are actually just deathly afraid of Alzheimer’s – well, either that or the barrage of pop-up ads that appear when surfing internet porn sites. Regardless, if people want to kill time by putting numbers in a grid, that’s their suffocatingly boring business, and neither the Luv Doc nor the Constitution of the United States will stand in their way.

Lastly, if she really is a prostitute, there isn’t much you can do about it short of calling the police, and right now your evidence is really spotty. My suggestion is that instead of formulating theories, you try to gather actual data. You could start by introducing yourself to her and actually making her acquaintance. That way, when you finally ask her if she’s a whore, it won’t sound so much like an accusation.