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After a Fashion: Top These

By Stephen MacMillan Moser, January 4, 2013, Columns

As 2012 slithers into 2013, it's time to reflect on the events, celebrities, and styles that represented the year. Referring to my proclivity for turning my annual Top 10 lists into Worst ofs, my esteemed editor Kate X once quipped, "You know that Your Style Avatar's tops are always bottoms, yes?" Well ... yes. I thoroughly subscribe to the theory that if you're not appalled, you're not paying attention. I'm appalled everywhere I look – not because I'm bitter, but because I'm deeply superficial. This year, though, having spent most of the year toiling on making dresses, I missed all kinds of things to be appalled at, so an informal poll of some of my friends helped compile these lists. Thank you to them, and thanks to you for reading. Let's have a faaabulous 2013.

 

TOP 10 CELEBRITY MISDEEDS

1) LINDSAY LOHAN cast as Elizabeth Taylor. Are we sure Lohan herself didn't produce this execrable eye-bleeder under an assumed name?

2) CLINT EASTWOOD at the Republican National Convention. Deeply, deeply embarrassing for such an icon. And now, a reality TV series about his family? Ugh.

3) MILEY CYRUS and her home bleach-job faux-hawk. Isn't it we-e-eird that her current hairstyle is exactly the opposite of that which made her father famous?

4) KRISTEN STEWART cheating on America's vampire sweetheart, Rob Pattinson.

5) CHARLIE SHEEN

6) VICTORIA JACKSON (STFU)

7) RIHANNA & CHRIS BROWN 'Nuff said.

8) THE JACKSON FAMILY Ugly, ugly, ugly.

9) GABRIEL AUBRY (Halle Berry's ex) for his physical altercation with her fiancé, Olivier Martinez, on Thanksgiving Day.

10) LINDSAY LOHAN

 

BONUS CELEBRITY MISDEEDS

1) KATIE HOLMES Couldn't flee fast enough from her bionic marriage to Tom Cruise. Run, Katie, run!

2) KATE MIDDLETON What? The Princess has breasts?

3) PRINCE HARRY Naked shenanigans in Las Vegas. Were those the crown jewels?

4) JOHN TRAVOLTA Endless sexual harassment charges: too many to count, too many to ignore.

5) HULK HOGAN suing his friend Bubba the Love Sponge Clem over releasing a sex-tape starring the revolting patriarch

 

TOP FIVE DESPERATELY NEEDED MAKEOVERS

1) (PRESIDENT) HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON

2) LINDSAY LOHAN from the inside out.

3) HONEY BOO BOO Get them while they're young.

4) HONEY BOO BOO'S MOM Can anything be done?

5) COCO (of Ice T fame) Can one make over a thought process?

 

TOP 10 CLOTHING TRENDS (GOOD)

1) PATTERNED LEGGINGS Changes the focus of the ensemble.

2) ANKLE BOOTS Not exactly new, but evolving nicely.

3) CHAMBRAY Yeah, you know what it is.

4) LONG TANKS For the multilayered look.

5) STUDS Like black, always a classic.

6) THE 'FRO HAWK Let Mr. T keep it.

7) PASTEL HAIR One color only, please.

8) BATIK Coming back down to earth.

9) HAREM PANTS Shape is everything.

10) CRYSTALS On everything.

 

TOP 10 FASHION TRENDS (BAD)

1) DAYTIME SEQUINS It's time to get away from that "walk of shame" look.

2) HAIR FEATHERS Right up there with roach-clip earrings.

3) DREAMCATCHER EARRINGS It's done; just let it die.

4) NEON Just give it a rest for a while.

5) STEAMPUNK Done wrong, it is a nightmare.

6) OMBRÉ HAIR Only on lap dancers, please.

7) BELTING EVERYTHING Strap yourself in, Christopher.

8) COLORED DENIM Enough already.

9) MOUSTACHES We're just not ready for them again on men. Women, however ...

10) EYEGLASS FRAMES WITHOUT LENSES If you don't need glasses: stupid.   

 

TOP 10 MOST LOATHSOME POLITICIANS

(in order of loathsomeness)

1) RICK "It is too my real hair" PERRY

2) JOHN "Future little blue pill spokesman" BOEHNER

3) TODD "Did I really say that?" AKIN

4) TED "Maybe they'll think I'm Mexican" CRUZ

5) MICHELE "Shrieking harridan" BACHMANN

6) PAUL "I would be a great veep, cuz I used to drive the Weinermobile" RYAN

7) SCOTT "Just give me a call" WALKER

8) MITCH "Is it too late for me to join your Tea Party?" MCCONNELL

9) RICK "Do they really use my name to describe that?" SANTORUM

10) MITT "I didn't even look real" ROMNEY

HONORABLE MENTION: WAYNE "Make my day with the NRA!" LAPIERRE

 

IN MEMORIAM 2012

Farewell to a few who made a difference

RICK JOHNSON • CHARLES GENTRY • BETTIE NAYLOR • ESME BARRERA • BRENT GRULKE • RICHARD DORSETT • NICK CURRAN • JOE GRACEY • BRENDA HUTCHISON • FONTELLA "Rescue Me" BASS • TRACI LAMAR HANCOCK

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