The Luv Doc: Friends

Dear Luv Doc,
Last week, my friend from St. Louis – who I said could come stay with me during South by Southwest – called and asked if he could bring a “friend” that I don’t even know. I said "yes" because I didn’t want to seem like an asshole, but how do I avoid this in the future? – Bill

Bill, there are two scenarios here, and neither is good. The first is that your friend is a dick. The second is that you are a dick. There may be a third scenario, but I think that involves both of you being dicks, which means you deserve each other. That said, I will admit it’s a bit dickish of your friend to ask for the plus-one after the fact – especially if it’s someone you don’t even know. That’s how pushovers like you get murdered in their sleep: An old friend brings some rando to your house for a music festival, and the next thing you know, you wake up with him perched on your chest in the middle of the night wielding a butcher knife and saying he needs to sanctify your dwelling with the “blood of the lamb.” Crazy Christians … what are you going to do? On the other hand, you might want to ask yourself: How good of a friend does someone need to be to stay in your house? If this is just some dude you used to be a fry cook with at McDonald’s, why did you say "yes"? If, on the other hand, this friend is someone who’s truly had your back, someone who carried your drunken ass into the backyard and sprayed the vomit off your clothes after you overdid it with the wine coolers, someone who woke up at five in the morning to take you to the airport, someone who talked you out of going to clown college, someone who knows your left testicle is plastic and who only teases you about it when he’s drunk – if this is that kind of friend, why the fuck are you sweating him about bringing along a stranger? Don’t be a dick. You know he’s good people. It’s not like he’s going to show up with a scabby, toothless meth head or a crab-infested crack whore, and even if he did, you owe him a fucking solid for that clown college deal. Bottom line, Bill, is that this one’s on you. You either need to grow a spine or pull the bug out of your ass – or both.