After a Fashion

ATTN: HEATHER MILLS "'Tis easier for a rich man to pass through the toe of a camel."

OHN OH! I didn't even want to go out on Thanks-giving eve – even though it was my own idea. We wound up seeing Ohn at Club 115, starring Bill Sarvers and Allison Scharf, among others. Bill is the electronica god, and Allison's haunting downtempo vocals conjure up sounds of Nico, Mazzy Star, and Marianne Faithfull. So mesmerized by her sound and beauty, I practically tackled Allison after her performance, grilling her with questions and basting her with compliments. "Miss Scharf," I finally said, "your trancelike sound and performance are fabulous, and you are beautiful." "Thank you," she murmured modestly. "But," I continued, "the stage appearance needs some work. The dynamic undertones of your style scream for different stage clothes, and your haircut is great but needs some more dramatic styling for performances." Prepared to be slugged by Miss Scharf for my impudence, I was shocked to find that instead she gratefully replied, "I'd love help with that." We're currently booking our assault on the right stores; in the meantime, you should be making arrangements to attend Ohn's next performance.

A-LISTED I came across the Forbes magazine list of "The 20 Most Intriguing Billionaire Heiresses." I'm so envious I could die. I had no idea such a list existed. But of course, aren't all billionaire heiresses intriguing? (Remember when all heiresses were described as "madcap"? It was always madcap heiresses – never madcap charwomen or madcap urologists.) What was the application process like? Did they have to provide paycheck stubs? Photos with other billionaire heiresses? Did they have to take a psychological test to determine their fitness as an heiress? NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg's younger daughter, Georgina, made the list. She founded the Rider's Closet, which donates used riding gear and equipment to underprivileged equestriennes (I'm guessing that means any of the girls who are not on the list of "The 20 Most Intriguing Billionaire Heiresses"). Can you imagine the shame of being the 21st Most Intriguing Billionaire Heiress and not being able to be on the list? God, you might as well just slip a Birkin bag from Hermès over your head and suffocate.

FOR THE BIRDS Okay, it always seems like the fun events are for girls, but on Saturday, Dec. 1, 2-7pm, Birds Barbershop (2110 S. Lamar, 442-8800) will host Man Fest. Featuring arm-wrestling competitions, a lumberjack photo booth, old-school shoe shines, as well as confidence-rock DJ sets, dancing from the Confidettes, and live music from Golden Bear at 6pm. Come for a chance to win prizes while enjoying wieners (regular and veggie!), complimentary scotch drinks from Dewar's, and free beer from Steamworks Brewing Co. This event kicks off Man Month at Birds, where all men's hair products will be available at half-price with purchase of a haircut. For more info, visit www.birdsbarbershop.com.