After a Fashion
Stephen eats out. You can't take him anywhere.
DEPLORABLE DINING At Nuevo Leon on East Sixth, one couple, who have apparently never heard of birth control, couldn't tell the difference between a restaurant and their own home. Their many children ran rampant, screaming like banshees, darting in and out and under tables while the parents ignored them just as though they were at home. And our lovely dinner with friends became a romper room on methamphetamine. I have three words for parents like these: Chuck E. Cheese's And then there's Pizza Hut I can't even begin to describe the indignities I've suffered at the hands of the staff at the Riverside location. After I had placed an order on the phone with a woman I'll unaffectionately call Mumbles (I later found out her real name means "hope" in a familiar foreign language a misnomer if there ever was one), things went from bad to worse. She shrieked at me for not understanding her poor enunciation and hung up. I called back and complained to the manager, who was very polite and apologetic, and placed my order. An hour and 20 minutes later, it arrived. Burned. I called again and spoke with a different manager, who was convinced I was pulling a scam to get more pizzas. I asked for credit, but she insisted on replacing the order, saying she was going to put a stop to "these shenanigans right now." When the second order arrived in a timelier fashion, I made sure to return the previous pizzas to prove to the manager that there was no duplicity going on here. And then I called the manager back to make sure she saw the evidence. Exasperated, she asked me what exactly what it was that I wanted. "Nothing," I told her, "except a little courtesy and good customer service." Lunch in the middle of the afternoon with my mother and sister at Opal Divine's Penn Field location was going swimmingly, until the very loud, piped-in radio station started playing death metal replete with screaming guitars and shrieking, earsplitting vocals. I can't imagine anyone over the age of 16 having a fine-dining experience to a soundtrack like that. This is exactly why I stopped going to a certain local chain of cafes several years ago. Really, I'm not the customer from hell, but I am clearly incorrect in thinking that most restaurants have an investment in making sure their customers keep returning.
THE WORLD AT LARGE A 62-year-old woman becomes England's oldest mother even though she had to leave the country to do it. She is decried as being selfish by most of the civilized world, since she will be 82 by the time her child is 20. The double standard here, of course, is that there are plenty of men running rampant well into dotage and sprinkling their baby batter, but no one blinks an eye. A report on www.huffingtonpost.com claims that when Dubya travels abroad, his feces and urine are collected to prevent any foreign power from examining them to determine what medications he's taking or whether he has any health weaknesses. Keep watching eBay and you might be able to examine the specimens yourself.
I HAVE VD No, not a sexually transmitted disease, silly! At long last, after years of waiting, I have the incredible new DVD of the greatest movie ever made Valley of the Dolls. As I've seen the movie 9,000,000 times, it wasn't the actual film I was waiting for it was all the delicious extras that come along with it. If you're a fan, prepare to die. Watch as we see Barbara Parkins' screen test for the role of Anne. Wait until you see Rona Jaffe's eye make-up during an interview (and don't miss Monique Van Vooren's eye make-up, which is so heavy that she can't open her eyes all the way). Wail as you are subjected to an endless documentary on Jacqueline Susann from the Sixties. And worship as you hear Tony Scotti sing the theme song. Faaabulous.
AGENDA Sat., July 15, 8pm-2am at Kasbah Salon (913 W. Mary), Raw and Desperate (www.rawanddesperate.com) presents Bleeding Hearts, an evening of art, fashion, and music by women. Boys and men are welcome, but they must behave. No cover, but tips and donations will be accepted Fri., July 21, 5-9pm, at Oilcan Harry's (211 W. Fourth) head bartender Steve Higginbotham coordinates the 15th annual Red Hot, a benefit for Project Transitions featuring food, drink, silent auction, sexy male dancers, and Oilcan's always-fabulous DJs. $5 suggested donation (but I recommend you be far more generous).
Nuevo Leon, Chuck E. Cheese's, Pizza Hut, Opal Divine's Penn Field, Kerbey Lane, 62-year-old woman, England's oldest mother, baby batter, www.huffingtonpost.com, Dubya, eBay, VD, Valley of the Dolls, Raw and Desperate, Red Hot, Project Transitions