After a Fashion

Fundraiser for Court Appointed Special Advocates at Jackson/Ruiz (Photo By Dustin Downing)

AFFIRMATIONS I see that the State Republican Convention has reaffirmed its position that "the practice of sodomy tears at the fabric of society, contributes to the breakdown of the family unit, and leads to the spread of dangerous, communicable diseases." Listen, I don't know anyone who still "practices" sodomy – for those that do indulge, they're already pretty good at it and stopped "practicing" a long time ago. As far as "tearing at the fabric of society" goes, I still need an explanation of how that occurs, since the society that I live in is the same society that we all live in and is composed of a hugely diverse array of elements, including, yes, sodomites (I've just loved that word ever since a reader called me that) and Republicans. As far as I can tell, it's the Republican extremists who are tearing at the fabric of society by trying to make all Americans return to a sensibility that existed only on Leave It to Beaver. I'm also mystified at exactly how I contribute to "the breakdown of the family unit." Is it because I'm not out there pretending to be heterosexual and spawning more children that we don't need? Talk about something that really tears at the fabric of society. And regarding the dangerous, communicable diseases that I spread, well, frankly, the only thing close to a communicable disease that I've ever spread is a common cold. Seems to me that the Republicans are catering to the lowest common denominator with this – scaring ignorant people into believing misconceptions for their own political gain. But I guess this is a very old story, isn't it?

"GRANDMA" INDEED So Carole Keeton McClellan Rylander Strayhorn Burton Burton Warner Fortensky wants to be listed on the gubernatorial ballot as "Grandma." Forget it, babe. I don't really know much about her politics, but I hate that "One Tough Grandma" routine. She's not my Grandma. I already had one tough grandma … didn't like her much, either, and I'm not shopping for a new one. The citizens of Texas are not cranky infants who need a tough grandma to keep us in line, and if she wants to convey that image, I recommend that we offer her some very stinky diapers in return. But, like I said, I don't rightly know exactly what her politics are … As far as politics go, I'm like the lilies of the field – in that I toil not, nor do I spin. So I always ask my more politically savvy friends for advice. Before every election, I call Bettie Naylor and say, "Bettie, who should I vote for?" But after several years of this, I can predict what she'll say, "Darlin', vote the entire Democratic ticket. There isn't a damn Republican out there that deserves your vote." But of course, I've discovered lately that I count a few Republicans among my friends; I know, I know, I was shocked too, but they're very nice Republicans, and you can barely see their horns and tails at all. But even if we do get saddled with "One Tough Grandma" as governor, she's bound to be better that that forked-tongued snake-in-the-grass that we have in the Governor's Mansion now who looks like he does his hair with a Flowbee. If the rumors about him on the Internet are true, he may be the most despicable man alive. But fortunately there's Kinky on the horizon offering a refreshing change from all of them…

UH HUH I was fitting a dress on a new client the other day. Naturally I excused myself from the room while she changed. But I laughed when I remembered working at a small Madison Avenue couture salon. One of our clients was an Arabian princess. She was very pleasant as I assisted the designer in working with her. I took her measurements, brought her lunch, and walked her to her car through the snow, but when she returned to try on the clothes, she insisted that I respect her culture by actually leaving the building before she would disrobe in the dressing room. Not just leave the room, or leave the salon, but leave the whole damn building. It didn't matter that I had made the clothes for her, nor did it matter that there were several floors of apartments above the salon, which may have contained many men … as long as she didn't know about it, it was okay. So I waited outside. In the snow. For an hour. A few months later, I heard she'd been indicted for bilking elderly men out of their fortunes … and that she had been born in the Bronx. Cultural differences indeed.

HOSTESS WITH THE MOSTESS I'm appalled! I can't believe I let myself get buffaloed by two high school friends into giving a Southern Living at HOME party. Imagine me in a little hostess apron forcing Jell-O Jigglers and Tupperware upon my guests. Okay, well it's not quite like that (go to www.southernlivingathome.com/brendasplace to see what I'll really be pushing). It's not really going to be at my actual home, either. But it's a Bling & Bellinis Party, and you're invited to wear all your favorite jewelry at once while swilling a couple of cocktails and watching a mini-fashion show while perusing perfectly delightful home decor items with a real Hollywood actress in attendance. Write me at info@madeinheaveninc.com for details.