After a Fashion

The lovely Marcia Gay Harden and the garrulous Lauren Bacall at last year's TFHOF preparty at Deborah Green's home

METER READING I've just gotten my second parking ticket ever, for an expired meter. Three times in my life I have let a parking meter expire while I was parked at it, and three times I've been nailed – within moments of the expiration. The first time was in front of Opal Divine's on Sixth, in which four minutes had elapsed before I got to my car, but Lovely Rita Metermaid was already there. Actually, having slapped the ticket on my car, she is now Fugly Rita Metermaid. The second time was at Moonshine, but I arrived at my car at the same time Officer Bob did and barely escaped. Then yesterday, I was parked in front of Antone's and got back to my car nine minutes after the meter expired. Inspector Jorge was already scribbling the ticket and shaking his head at my utter stupidity for letting the meter expire. Inspector Jorge did not care that I was a very busy socialite, hopping from one engagement to another and was much too busy to deal with a ticket. I am convinced that parking meters are connected with a main switchboard with LEDs that light up every time a meter expires. The operator monitoring the board then immediately radios the parking police, who arrive within minutes. And those valets who can just stick a hood over a meter and call it theirs for the night? Hell, I think I'll go into the parking meter hood manufacturing business – who wouldn't want their own little meter hood that they could just stick on any meter and claim as their own? But wouldn't it be much simpler if we could just reserve our parking spaces online? We could just log onto a Web site, enter the information such as where we will be, when we will need the meter, and how long we expect to be there. The computer would then display all the nearby parking meters that we can choose from. After deciding on one, and an alternative, we would make payment online and be given a code that we enter into the parking meter when we arrive. If an unauthorized driver tried to park in our space before we arrived, the meter would dispatch Inspector Jorge or Fugly Rita Metermaid, who would have the offender towed immediately. I think it's a very simple solution to a vexing problem, n'est-ce pas?

GLOBES NOTES The world has done a terrible thing to Mariah Carey; we've led her to believe she's beautiful and talented. And we let her on the Golden Globes for some unknown reason. Whatever she thought she was doing there, she looked like she'd been inflated into her Chanel gown, and not in a good way. When she smiles, she looks like she's passing gas. Pamela Anderson – dear god, what's wrong with her? It appears as if her breasts had been newly inflated and put in a baby sling tied behind her neck. Drew Barrymore looked like she dressed for the Valley of the Ho Ho Ho Green Giant. Virginia Wood and I have set up a foundation to buy Drew a bra. Gwyneth Paltrow not only looked ridiculous in what appeared to be a costume from Emma, but compounded her error by Doing Her Own Hair. Geena Davis looked like she'd just been hired as the house model for Red Lobster. Keira Knightly is officially the Most Beautiful Woman on the Planet and her Valentino gown was the best of the night. Catherine Deneuve, who usually shows all the young upstarts how it's done, bungled her moment onstage with a dreadful gown that was as disturbing as it was hideous. Hilary Swank? Boooring and Did Her Own Hair. Melanie Griffith obviously ran out of collagen before the show and looked less ducklike than usual, but her prison tattoo destroyed any possibility of glamour. Scarlett Johansson looked curvy as a cartoon madam in her Valentino (careful, Scarlett, that's a figure that can look matronly very quickly – just ask Mariah). Renée Zellweger looked gorgeous. Felicity Huffman looked gorgeous and gave the best acceptance speech, for Transamerica.

AWARD-A-RAMA Speaking of awards shows, the nearest and dearest to my heart, Texas Film Hall of Fame, continues to rack up star power. In addition to "Sexiest Man Alive" Matthew McConaughey: the dynamic JoBeth Williams, who will be inducted by The Big Chill director Lawrence Kasdan; Kris Kristofferson, who will be inducted by John Sayles; and Cybill Shepherd, who will induct The Last Picture Show. It is always a privilege to be on the panel that chooses the film clips used in the tributes, and this year I'll be determining the lineup for JoBeth Williams and Kris Kristofferson. Famed producer Linda Obst is on the committee and will be in attendance, as will actress/media correspondent Maria Menounos.