The Football Prophecies

The Football Prophecies foretell the outcomes of each week’s slate of NFL games. Pigskin prophet, Russ Espinoza, acquired his clairvoyance at age 9 when he was conked on the head by an errant John Elway pass at Mile High Stadium in 1992.

He’s marveled friends and relations and played Vegas like a cheap fiddle with his otherworldly football foresight ever since.

The prophet is pleased to share his gift with The Austin Chronicle.

Philadelphia at Pittsburgh: In the Keystone State Kerfuffle, Philadelphia mayor Michael A. Nutter and Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl forge a behind-the-scenes wager on Sunday’s game: whereby Nutter gambles 20 of his city’s most decorated crackheads and Ravenstahl antes four of Ben Roethlisberger’s nine chins.

Prophecy: Pittsburgh

Green Bay at Indianapolis: A series of bizarre technical snafus under the instant replay hood at Lucas Oil Field leaves crew chief Ed Hochuli unable to inspect a challenged Green Bay interception.

Hochuli perplexes both sidelines and all 62,421 fans by issuing pronouncements nonetheless: “After review, there had to have been a second shooter on the grassy knoll; they’re real and they’re spectacular; and Ross and Rachel were on a break. Indianapolis will be charged with their final timeout.”

Prophecy: Green Bay

Cleveland at New York Giants: Returning to the bench after a hard-fought goal-line stand against the Browns’ offense, an NFL Films cameraman catches Giants defensive end Osi Umenyiora howling to himself, “Whoo! It’s been a hard day’s night, boy! And I’ve been workin’ like an Osi!”

Prophecy: New York Giants

Atlanta at Washington: A slippery Corgi donning a polka-dot bowtie will dart across the FedEx Field grounds, causing 26 Falcons and 29 Washington Redskins to SQUEE! their pants.

Prophecy: Washington

Miami at Cincinnati: Bengals wide-receiver A.J. Green sets a dangerous precedent for end-zone celebrations by diving headlong into a pre-arranged shark tank of Skyline Chili.

Prophecy: Cincinnati

Baltimore at Kansas City: Pouncing on a delicious moment to vex the opposition, Arrowhead Stadium deejay Deion Crisp synchs-up Culture Club’s “Karma Chameleon” as the Ravens bolt from the visiting tunnel.

Prophecy: Baltimore

Seattle at Carolina: Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll discovers that Starbucks’ Café Verona blend makes a perfect steroidal masking agent. Strong safety Kam Chancellor develops a two pot a day habit, but is hospitalized after his bowels empty everything – including his upper body up to the shoulders.

Prophecy: Seattle

Chicago at Jacksonville: Bears quarterback Jay Cutler remembers he left his cup back in Chicago 30 minutes before kickoff: Team equipment manager Clark Beatty thinks fast and fashions him a temporary one out of twigs and spit.

Prophecy: Chicago

Denver at New England: With the opening kickoff in flight, Patriots guard Dan Connolly’s blood curdles upon overhearing head coach Bill Belichick’s quavering plea of “Lord Satan, don’t smite me now.”

Prophecy: Denver

Buffalo at San Francisco: Sporting oversized novelty sunglasses and a red and gold 49ers wig, local cut-up Joey Gladstone wriggles away from mortified parties Danny Tanner and Uncle Jesse to storm the field and goose Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Prophecy: San Francisco

Tennessee at Minnesota: Missing the big stage of NFL football, retired Vikings quarterback Brett Favre disguises himself with a fake beard, derby hat, and nose putty, and pretends to wait for a bus on the Minnesota sideline.

Prophecy: Minnesota

San Diego at New Orleans: Saints quarterback and local hero Drew Brees addresses his compatriots in a closed-door pregame speech before Sunday’s home tilt against the Chargers.

“Look fellas, we’re 0-4. I’ve got a deep-thigh bruise; Darren’s nursing six turf toes, and our starting secondary is rocking the most chilling staph infection Tulane Medical Center’s ever seen. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting the hell outta here while I still have a modicum of spinal fluid left.”

Prophecy: San Diego

Houston at New York Jets: Texans backup quarterback T.J. Yates goes sightseeing in Manhattan on Sunday afternoon, visiting the Fox News studios for a behind-the-scenes tour. Yates is flagged by studio security and issued a loaded AK-47 and a copy of The Turner Diaries after failing to trip the lobby’s metal detector.

Prophecy: Houston

Overall Record to Date: 36-28